amw (amw) wrote,

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can i just have one more moondance?

Today J and i went out to shoot some photos. This is probably the first time i've had a lot of photos taken of me since back in 2002. We took a lot of photos in Vancouver this February, but at the time we were just so thrilled to be together that i didn't really let it sink in.

I fucking love seeing pictures of me. It's more for sanity than vanity, i think. Something that really meant a lot to me when i lived in California was getting to see how my partner saw me through her camera lens. I had a pretty dim view of myself at the time, so getting to step outside my reflection was really important. I remember seeing the photos back then and going, fuck, i'm beautiful. It's a big deal to realize that when half the time you hate yourself and want to die.

I've talked about The Big Gap in photos of me in previous entries... After getting back to Australia in 2002 i had about a year where a friend liked to take photos of me with his point-and-shoot, and then that was it - bar the odd cellphone happy-snap. I really missed gaining that insight into ME.

Well it's 5+ years later now and wow, do i look older - i've gained a fair bit of weight and my eyes have serious wrinkling going on. But i'm ridiculously happy. It's amazing to see me smile and laugh in almost every photo. Doesn't really do much for arty/moody shots so J gets no portfolio fodder, but for me it's another realization of something i don't get to see in the mirror. In the mirror i can see my latest hair style or color, i can dig the outfit i'm wearing or the make-up i've done, but seeing the emotions? I need pictures. I know on the inside right now i feel happier than i have for years, so it's really good to see that it's showing on the outside too.

I kinda feel like i should be waiting for my life to all come falling apart again. I guess that's the job of the Canadian immigration department :-)

I'm including the subway shot because i love the colors, even though it's a little hazy and doesn't support anything i said in this entry... And yes, i did completely forget to apply lipstick even though we had it with.

Tags: depression, gender, looking back, my boring life

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