amw (amw) wrote,

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am i antisocial?

Last week i wrote this long entry in notepad but never got around to posting it. It was about one of the things i am proudest of doing over the past year. I quit social drinking. For years i've been that person who drinks whenever i am in a situation i don't want to be in just to enjoy myself like everyone else. As we all know, boring plus intoxication equals "fun". But the next day i always hate myself. No more. I resolved late last year to not drink unless i actually really wanted a drink - which, as it turns out, is only every now and then.

The reason i wrote an entry last week is because we went out with a bunch of J's friends - some of whom i dislike, some i like and some i don't really feel one way or the other - and i was rude to them. In the past i would've downed a six pack and acted like a fool and enjoyed myself anyway, but now i just couldn't be bothered making the effort so i ignored everyone. Needless to say that didn't go down well. We've sorted it out now and i'm going to try harder to be polite in the future, be more clear when i don't want to be somewhere etc, but still. It got me wondering if i am really antisocial.

This weekend we have a friend of J's staying over on the couch again. That's always been something i've had difficulty with, but since burning_angel_ and suupernorton were over last year i have been getting gradually better at dealing with it. Last night we all kicked back and hung out, J and D had some drinks, watched Baywatch and played Wii, i chattered along, enjoyed their company and played a few very mild games (i can't play anything too physical because of my back injury). It showed i'm quite capable of being sociable and enjoying myself without drinking when i am comfortable with people and i like them - it's only when i'm not or i don't that i have no desire to waste my time. I judge people quickly and don't forgive easy, so if they're boring me or irritating me then that's it, you know? It's nothing personal, i just don't want to fake it if i'm not feeling it. Is that antisocial?

That said, even with people i like i need my space. Today J and D went out for lunch and a walk round town but here i am at home typing on my LiveJournal. I need to sit on my own couch and listen to my own music and watch my own shows and let my mind breathe without feeling like i have to entertain someone. I like to be left alone with my own thoughts. It's something i value so much and the reason why i take my privacy so seriously. My house is not just somewhere to lay my head, it's my spiritual retreat. I have trouble reconciling that with the idea of a house being a place to host guests or hold functions. Perhaps the solution going forward so i don't drive my partner completely insane would be to get a little hut i can make my own. Perhaps that's why people spend so much money fitting out their basements or garages? Hmm.
Tags: alcoholism, decrepit, freedom, i am a hermit, my boring life

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