amw (amw) wrote,

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The last week for me has been kinda rocky. My mood has been all over the place. I've had a lot of weird dreams featuring people from my past. Sometimes i don't know if dreams trigger me or if my mood affects my dreams.

It's hard to keep my mood on a level when i don't have a routine. You know... i forget sometimes the things i used to do in Australia to keep my shit together because it just became second nature. Waking up, eating breakfast, making lunch, going to work, doing groceries, coming home, making dinner, watching my shows, hanging out with J, going to bed... Of all this stuff the only thing i have with regularity here is hanging out with J, and that's not a routine, so the cracks start to appear. I'm finding it hard to balance out with J's friends and family so close and wanting to do this or that together. I feel obliged, and i think i need to just stand up and say no. If i was downtown in an office from 9 to 5 i wouldn't do lunch here and coffee there. Even if my excuse is just saying sorry guys i need my HGTV time at 11 so i can watch Restaurant Makeover and drink a coffee... It's hard to try to explain that you need time to do something "pointless" because the physical act of doing something predictable at a particular time IS the point. I can't live in chaos.

And then there's the other chicken and egg question... Does not having a routine open my mind to noticing things i wouldn't otherwise, or is it something external that causes my shit to unravel in the first place? The other day i was having lunch with J's grandma and she asked us if we believed in God. She's a real sharp one, the most amazing 88 year old you'll ever meet. We chatted about it for a while. I do believe there is stuff out there we can't explain with science yet, but i don't feel comfortable with having an organized religion dictate to me how i should view those things. I'm just happy to know it's out there and i take comfort in my own beliefs that there's something more, that there are connections between people you can't see and that objects can hold more than just their physical shape... My dreams lately have made me think about my beliefs, then all the Passover tradition and that conversation continued to keep it kicking about my head. What does it all mean?

It means i'm feeling like a neurotic teenager again. I think i am going to eat some bread and peanut butter, which by the way tastes better than i ever realized after a week of matzo. Today i need to finish all my forms for immigration and write up a generic networking cover letter. Next week i need to start focusing on studying for Java certification, shooting hoops, job search, just getting my life lined up. I'm almost 30. I'm married, for fuck's sake. I should at least save my next major breakdown for my mid-life crisis, yanno? Yup.
Tags: anxiety, crazy, depression, family

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