amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

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fear

I've wrestled with it over the years - fear of being driven in cars by other people, fear of forests and bush, fear of beaches and the ocean, fear of going out in public... Sometimes it's incapacitating - i'm lost in a panic attack - but often it's just a private sense of discomfort that leads me to making excuses to leave or avoiding things altogether. Most of those fears i've conquered - in fact, for a while there i thought i'd more-or-less conquered them all. Yet it seems one in particular lives on - one i've only really had to face again over the last year. The fear of letting people in.

I love people. I love being out amongst the crowds, being in the city. I feel safe, i feel alive. I love to watch the characters interacting all around me. I love airports, hospitals, all those places most people hate because there are humans and emotions whirling and it's all raw and real. I just don't want to be a part of the story. I am fucking terrified of being forced to play a part. It's not a problem when i'm somewhere noone knows me and i fall into the scene - it's a problem when i have to be with people who do know me, or (even worse) people who think they do. It's the expectation that terrifies me.

This is why i schedule my alarm so that hopefully when i go downstairs for breakfast J's mom and dad will already have left for work, even though that means waking up later than i would sometimes like. I don't want to fucking talk to them. I can't, i just don't have the energy to do it every day. It's so draining for me to fight through the fear day in and day out. Having to be "on" every night for dinner and on the weekends is getting me more exhausted than i've been in years. When i had a job i'd come home zonked, but zonked from working hard. This is different, having to deal with friends and family all the time. I can't just say "i'm busy" and ignore them.

The family are going to Montreal for the weekend. I couldn't go. I couldn't deal with sitting for hours in a car with three other people only to arrive in a new city and spend the rest of the weekend with the other grandma, her nurses, an aunt and God knows what other fucking relatives they'll pull out of their ass. I don't want to be interesting and fun, i don't want to be cute and chatty, i don't want to get dressed up, i want to cook some pork and put cheese on it and walk around the house naked and just have one fucking day where i don't need to put on a smile and be the sweet daughter-in-law or niece-in-law or sister-in-law or whatever the fuck i'm supposed to be today. I don't have the energy to keep fighting. It's too hard. I am scared and i don't want to do it.

Last weekend for the first time in years i ended up hugging the toilet my panic attack had gotten so severe. I don't want to go fucking backwards and the solution to this anxiety is not to keep shoving the things i'm scared of in my face over and over and over again. I'll fucking snap. But noone gets it. "Okay so i kinda see how meeting 99 more family members could be daunting, but how could you be scared of talking to your mother-in-law over breakfast?" Because i fucking am! I just am. Every fucking day is a struggle to do the simplest things and i just need space for me where i don't need to be someone. I'm losing me.
Tags: anxiety, bird in a gilded cage, crazy, family, freedom
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