amw (amw) wrote,

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my saturday night

Cook a stir-fry seasoned the way i like it while Fox Report is on in the background. Eat on the couch instead of at the table. Watch Cops. Drink a coffee. Watch America's Most Wanted. Make some popcorn. Watch Dog The Bounty Hunter. Get on LiveJournal. I'm feeling a little white trash but fuck. This whole weekend so far has involved me doing the kind of nothing i have missed so badly. I was going to go out today, but i realized the reason i've been going out is to get some peace and quiet and for once the peace and quiet is here. I can finally breathe and do my thing.

I've been drinking lots of coffee since i got to Canada. I'm not working so i don't get free coke at work any more and i don't want to make J's parents buy me cans that i know will disappear in 2 seconds flat so coffee is kind of a less conspicuous option. Weird thing is i'm getting cravings now, so it's clearly not the caffeine i need. Yesterday at the grocery store i picked up a Diet Coke, Hershey bar and a freakin cream bun to go with all the healthy fruit and veges i'd picked up for dinner. I guess it's better than buying smokes but ugh.

(Sidebar: I noticed at the grocery store that dragon fruits here are imported from Thailand, but dragon fruits in Australia are imported from Mexico. What's with that?)

I'm having trouble figuring out what's makes me "me", when "me" is so stuck in a box. This is "me" at the moment: living in the suburbs, mooching off the in-laws, doing endless family functions, gradually going insane... And i understand it and accept it's where i'm at right now, but it's not who i want to be. I'm missing so many of the things that used to define me. My financial independence, obviously, but also my downtown/yuppie lifestyle, the shows i like to watch on TV, the food i like to cook, the music i like to listen to, being able to go out and dance, play ball, whatever... Bit by bit i am trying to get there - like studying these courses, getting my driver's license (for the third time), picking up some indie flicks at Blockbuster, writing more often here on LiveJournal... But i'm scared of kicking off too much stuff, pissing away my savings or maybe starting stuff that isn't healthy for me anyway.

Like, why am i craving cigarettes again after i finally quit a year ago? Because it's like this one little piece of me i could have back, something in my life i could control, something that would be mine. The thing is i don't want to be writing an entry in a month's time saying "i guess it's better than drugs, but ugh". I mean, the fuck. I'm so lost i just want to fill every moment with something - anything - that i want to do so that i don't have to do what i'm supposed to do. And there are oceans of stupid stuff i want to do.
Tags: anxiety, crazy, depression, freedom, manic, tv

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