Some nights i dream about doing drugs and it fucks with my head because when i wake up from the dream the next morning it feels like i'm high. This morning i did and my mind was all over and i went back to read through a bunch of old emails and fucking... You just don't realize at the time how fucked up that shit makes you. Even just drinking. Like completely oblivious. I always looked at other people writing about their shit and thought well clearly they don't have their shit together the way i do, but with time you have that perspective and for fuck i have been a complete douche. I always knew i'd been a douche, but never really clicked that had anything to do with it. More than ever right now i want to keep to that no-drinking promise i made to myself last year. I am so over that stupid shit. I also decided i shouldn't be reading old emails right now because there's too much sadness too.