amw (amw) wrote,

Late night rambling

Why am I doing this on my iPod? It's too hard, I don't want to wake J and I have nowhere else to go. Nowhere I feel safe anyway. I just... I need more time to think, to figure out what the fuck is going on. This thing with looking back at the moment I don't know if it's healthy but it means something. There's some lesson I'm supposed to get. I've just, I've fucked it so much in the past I don't want any of that shit to happen again. But what do I do???? I am slipping I can feel it it's almost 4am and I can't sleep I don't want to but I can't slip or my immigration is in the toilet that's if J would stay with me through it anyway... Fuck! Fuck! I thought I was over this I thought it was done, just part of my history and I had myself bottled up so tight for years and here it's bubbling over.

Let's do that looking back, get it on paper. M... What the fuck. Two things I got from her - she brought me to Melbourne and she taught me how to be happy as a girl. The rest of the relationship was a dead end because the whole time I was never over T and M knew it. She deserved someone who wanted a future with her.. I grew a bit... Or I got put in the place I needed to be to grow, to get away from the clique and become independent and all. But I still neglected other things, like my mental health.

You know I'm actually not even sure I remember the last time I went to a shrink. It had to've been after 2002, surely I wouldn't neglect it that long? But then for a while there I was so busy doing drugs on the weekend and drinking the rest of the week what would I know? I even kidded myself into thinking living with a stoner wasn't going to affect me, like the fuckin thick fog in that place every day wasn't going in my lungs too. What the fuck? And then in Melbourne I was just too busy working because I realized I could force everything into that little bottle as long as I worked so hard when I got home I didn't have the energy for shit. And if I did there was always alcohol to keep things predictably numb.

And then it all got on track. I had my own place and money and independence and confidence and I started making art again and writing every single morning and figuring it all out. And then I meet J, this amazing chick who gets me and doesn't care about my shit and really wants to be with me and finally I'm ready for a future too. It's like a freakin fairytale, for once everything in my life is going right.

And that's where I'm at now, or where I would be if that carpet of steady work hadn't been pulled out from under me. Without work I have no money, no independence, no control of my future. My life is no longer in my hands, I need to trust other people again, I have to be dependent again and one thing other people won't ever be able to do for me is keep that precarious little ledge I put the bottle on from crumbling so now the bottle has fallen and cracked and here I am. The genie is back out and what the fuck do I do to get it back in?
Tags: alcoholism, anxiety, bird in a gilded cage, career, crazy, depression, freedom, looking back, relationships

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