amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw
  • Mood: cold
  • Music: Johnny Hates Jazz - Shattered Dreams

where's that desert island gone?

Yesterday i was particularly fragile because one of the organizations i called i must have transposed the digits or something and this chick goes "hello". I ask if it's the organization i wanted, and she lets loose with: "Don't you think if i actually was then i would have answered the phone that way? I'm sick of all you people calling me! <click>" ... which is just about the worst possible way to deal with people who are obviously already on the edge or they wouldn't be trying to call in the first place. I completely broke down. Still made it out for a birthday dinner, though.

And then this morning i didn't want to get out of bed. But i eventually did and i squashed my brain into work mode and did 3-4 hours solid work. Get completely consumed in coding a piece of software, that's how i managed to keep my shit together for years, right? What a fucking shitty way to do it. Now i am skipping another Friday night dinner because i am feeling too crappy to go. J was upset but i am already having a hard enough time knowing that tomorrow i have breakfast, lunch and dinner with yet more family i've never met who are in for the weekend from NYC.

I need to write more but it's hard to get my thoughts to stick, all i've got is emotions and even they aren't slowing down much.
Tags: anxiety, career, crazy, depression, family
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